Navigating Tricky Family Dynamics During the Festive Season

For some, the holiday season evokes images and feelings of joy and togetherness. But for others, family gatherings can involve navigating a minefield of unresolved intergenerational trauma, strained relationships, and emotional overwhelm. If you’re feeling dread instead of excitement at the thought of seeing family this festive season, you’re not alone, and this post might be helpful for you.

For those that are anticipating a challenging time ahead, here are some strategies that might help you navigate the season with greater self-care and intentionality:

Adjust Your Expectations Based on Familiar Patterns

Holiday movies and social media create an idealised version of what family time "should" look like. In reality, most families have their challenges, and difficult dynamics often follow predictable patterns. If past gatherings have included tension or conflict, it’s reasonable to expect this year won’t be different. Rather than hoping for sudden harmony, consider preparing for familiar behaviours. This shift can help you avoid disappointment and equip you to navigate the time more effectively.

Establish Boundaries & Plan Your Responses

Setting boundaries and planning how to respond can help protect your emotional well-being during family gatherings.

• Time: Decide in advance how long you’ll stay and communicate this clearly. Knowing your limits can make the event feel more manageable.

• Topics: Family gatherings can sometimes bring up sensitive subjects or predictable remarks that lead to discomfort or conflict. Planning calm, non-confrontational responses can help you navigate these moments mindfully and with psychological safety. For instance, if someone makes an offensive comment, you could respond with, “That’s one point of view,” and shift to a neutral topic like a holiday tradition or shared memory. If a sensitive topic arises, you might redirect with phrases like, “Let’s save that for another time,” or “I think I’ll sit this one out today.” For firmer boundaries, you could say, “I’m not discussing that.”

  These approaches can help de-escalate tension without confrontation, but in environments where setting boundaries feels unsafe or impossible, prioritise exiting the situation discreetly. And finding a moment or a space where you can use self-soothing techniques to help you regulate and regain balance.

• Space: Take breaks when needed—step outside, take a walk, or excuse yourself to the bathroom to reset. If necessary, give yourself permission to leave early.

Focus on What You Can Control

You can’t change others, but you can influence how you respond. Practice self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing or grounding exercises, to manage stress in real time.

• The Butterfly Hug: This gentle tapping technique provides bilateral stimulation, helping to calm your nervous system. Learn how to practice it here.

• Paced Breathing: Slow your breath to calm your body and mind. Try inhaling for 4 counts, holding for 4 counts, and exhaling for 6 counts. Longer exhales activate your parasympathetic nervous system, reducing anxiety. Learn how to practice it here.

• Grounding Through Your Senses: Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to anchor yourself in the present. Name:

  - 5 things you can see

  - 4 things you can touch

  - 3 things you can hear

  - 2 things you can smell

  - 1 thing you can taste

  Learn more about how to practice this skill here.

• Bring Along a Comfort Item: Having something sensory can be a grounding touchstone to focus on in moments of stress. Consider a small, textured object like a smooth stone or even a piece of jewellery with an interesting texture that you can hold or fidget with discreetly.

• You could also bring a book, podcast, or playlist to retreat to if you need a private moment.

Cultivate Gratitude for the Good Moments

Even in tense gatherings, there may be fleeting moments of joy—a shared laugh, a delicious meal, or a nostalgic story. Acknowledging these can help balance the emotional scales and remind you why you chose to attend in the first place.

Connect to Your Support System

You don’t have to face difficult family dynamics alone. Consider sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, partner, or psychologist before and after gatherings. Processing your emotions with someone who understands can help you to work through the feelings and difficulties that arise.

Give Yourself Permission to Opt Out

If attending family events feels truly damaging to your mental health, it’s okay to say no. Prioritise your well-being and consider alternative ways to celebrate the holidays—whether it’s spending time with chosen family, volunteering, or simply enjoying a quiet day of self-care.

Plan a Post-Holiday Self-Care Routine

Having something to look forward to after the holidays can provide a psychological buffer. Schedule an activity that nourishes you—like a relaxing day at home, a long shower or bath, spending time in nature, or catch-up with a close friend. This can help you to have greater emotional stability, maintain your overall mental health and well-being, as well as approach future challenges with greater resilience.

Navigating challenging family dynamics during the holidays can be emotionally taxing, but it’s possible to approach these gatherings with greater stability within yourself. By setting realistic expectations, establishing and maintaining boundaries, and focusing on what you can control, you can create a sense of emotional safety. Remember to lean on self-soothing techniques to stay grounded, seek out moments of connection or gratitude where you can, rely on a trusted support system and ensure you engage in self-care before and after each event. Ultimately, the holidays don’t have to follow a script of perfection or stress. Whether you choose to participate in family gatherings or opt for alternative celebrations, prioritising your mental health is important.