What Is An Anxious Attachment Style?
If you find yourself frequently fearing that your partner will leave you, needing constant reassurance or feeling overwhelmed and insecure at the slightest hint of conflict, you may have an anxious attachment style. Living with an anxious attachment can have major implications on both your relationships and your psychological wellbeing. Although you may lean toward an insecure attachment style there are steps you can take to reach a greater sense of security.
What is an attachment style?
Attachment theory essentially refers to the way people interpret and behave to intimacy in romantic relationships. There are said to be three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
Generally, secure people find it easy to be intimate and loving with others and expect to receive love back. Anxious people tend to be preoccupied with their relationship, crave closeness, and worry about their partner leaving them; and avoidant people tend to place emphasis on independence in their relationships and find ways to maintain distance in their romantic relationships. There is also a fourth less common type, known as disorganised attachment which is a combination of both the anxious and avoidant attachment style.
How is an anxious attachment style formed?
It has been assumed that attachment styles are a result of the way we were parented as babies and children. When our emotional needs aren’t met or responded to in the way that we need, we can develop an insecure attachment style. Today, we understand however that while the way we are parented can influence our attachment style there are also other factors including genetics and life experiences that can shape our attachment style too.
What does an anxious attachment style look like?
Fearing rejection or abandonment
People with an anxious attachment can be hypersensitive to perceived signs of rejection or abandonment and can find themselves feeling desperate if they fear that their partner is pulling away.
People with an anxious attachment style are often hypersensitive to their partner’s emotions and can take comments or shifts in their mood or behaviour personally. They may take any conflict or criticism to mean that there is something wrong with them or the relationship.
Needing constant reassurance
Due to their constant fear of being abandoned, people with an anxious attachment tend to need frequent reassurance from their partners around their feelings for them or the security of the relationship.
Find it difficult to express needs and boundaries
It is easy for people with an anxious attachment to fall into ‘people pleasing’ tendencies due to fear that expressing needs or boundaries may cause conflict or rejection from their partner. This means that they might find themselves suppressing their needs or that the lack of fulfilment can lead to feelings of irritability and frustration.
Feelings of low self-esteem or unworthiness
People with anxious attachment style may struggle with maintaining their self-esteem. They may find themselves putting their partner on a pedestal and believing that they are better than themselves. This can lead to concerns around whether they are good enough for their partner or whether their partner will find someone ‘better’.
Feeling incomplete when single
Feeling like there is something missing or a general sense of unease when single is common for people with an anxious attachment style. They can often become preoccupied with the idea of a relationship or relationship prospects and often worry that they will be alone.
Emotional turbulence can arise for people with an anxious attachment style throughout their relationships, particularly when feeling rejected, criticised, or hurt by their partner. They may find themselves ‘spiralling’ and feeling consumed by worry or anger toward their partner. At times, they may also act in a passive aggressive manner toward their partner, ignore or limit contact with them or threaten to leave the relationship. They will usually feel regretful or anxious about their behaviours at a later stage.
Can you change your anxious attachment style?
The good news is that attachment styles can change over time and with the right set of skills it is possible to move from an anxious attachment style to a secure one. While each person and situation are different, there are a few approaches that may be helpful – many of which involve therapy.
Knowledge is power. The first step in addressing your anxious attachment is to understand it. A psychologist can help you in recognising how your anxious attachment style shows up in your relationships, your unhealthy patterns, triggers, and the roots of your anxious attachment style.
Once we have a lay of the land, there are several skills that we can help you to develop. A common theme among people with an anxious attachment style is difficulty in their ability to self-regulate. A psychologist can work with you to develop skills in this area as well as enhancing your communication strategies and building on your self-esteem.
An anxious attachment style may develop through our past traumas or adverse life experiences. Difficult life events can cause us to have a dysfunctional view of ourselves and our relationships. For people with an anxious attachment style this may show up in beliefs such as “people will abandon me” or “I’m not good enough”. There are several therapeutic modalities that psychologists draw on to help you in processing your traumas and maladaptive beliefs. These include approaches such as EMDR, schema therapy and trauma-focussed CBT.
Living with an anxious attachment style can feel overwhelming and exhausting, however with the right support, effort, and environment it is possible to move toward a secure attachment.
